Anxious Attachment vs. ROCD: Understanding the Differences and Overlap
By: Jen Lescher, LCSW/LICSW
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day in February, I decided to write about one of my therapeutic specialties as well as a common—and sometimes complex—dating and relationship issue: the overlap between insecure attachment and Relationship OCD (ROCD).
What are the four attachment styles?
Attachment styles are a very popular topic these days. Before diving in, though, it’s important to understand one key thing: attachment styles are not permanent. In fact, we are wired for secure attachment, which means that under the right circumstances, insecure attachment can heal and move toward security.
Secure attachment
Secure attachment is pretty much what it sounds like. You generally feel safe and grounded in your romantic relationships and aren’t overly preoccupied with your partner unless there is a clear reason to be. This shows up as direct communication—being able to express your needs and feelings without playing games. You’re comfortable with a healthy amount of space in the relationship and you trust what your partner tells you about their needs and feelings, as long as there isn’t an overt reason to be concerned (for example, them directly stating they’re unhappy in the relationship or actual evidence of disloyalty).
People with secure attachment often grew up with caregivers who modeled this style: they were emotionally attuned, practiced direct communication, and helped their child learn how to self-soothe. The good news is that even if you didn’t grow up in this kind of environment, you can still develop secure attachment. Some people had another close caregiver, like a grandparent, who offered this attunement. Others developed security through a relationship with a securely attached partner. That’s right, being in a relationship with someone who is securely attached can be incredibly healing and can help someone move toward greater attachment security.
Anxious attachment
People with anxious attachment tend to be preoccupied with their partner due to a deep fear of rejection or abandonment. They often struggle to directly communicate their needs and feelings and may rely on “playing games” to get those needs met. While this can look manipulative from the outside, it’s usually subconscious and unintentional. Most often, these individuals either don’t have the skills for direct communication. Or, are so afraid of rejection or abandonment that they don’t name their needs at all.
This attachment style can look like discomfort with space in the relationship, difficulty self-soothing without their partner, and high levels of relationship anxiety. A classic example is someone feeling completely dysregulated and unable to calm themselves until they receive a text from their partner. Once that text comes through, it’s like the anxiety and adrenaline suddenly drop. People with anxious attachment often had caregivers or former partners who were inconsistent in their emotional availability and attunement.
Avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment can be thought of as almost the opposite of anxious attachment. People with this style may fear being “smothered” by a partner, and emotional intimacy can feel threatening to their independence. They may feel emotionally shut down or notice that it’s harder to feel connected when they are physically or emotionally close to their partner—yet paradoxically feel more when the partner is not around. These individuals often avoid direct communication and prefer a lot of space and independence in relationships.
Avoidant attachment typically develops in response to caregivers who were emotionally distant or absent, leading the person to learn that they cannot rely on others for support.
Disorganized attachment
Disorganized attachment is the most rare and the most complex attachment style. Individuals with this style often grew up in environments that were frightening and unstable, with a mix of neglect and abuse. As a result, they simultaneously crave closeness and fear abandonment, yet once intimacy increases, that closeness can feel terrifying. This can lead them to push their partner away just as the relationship starts to deepen.
Does OCD cause attachment issues?
The short answer is no, OCD does not cause attachment issues. Many people with OCD have secure attachment styles and are in healthy, fulfilling relationships. As an OCD therapist, I see this all the time.
What is more common is that someone has an insecure attachment style due to their history, and they also have OCD. If their OCD latches onto the relationship—which doesn’t happen for everyone, as OCD themes and triggers vary- it can then latch onto their attachment style as well. OCD may use attachment-related fears and reactions as “evidence” that the obsessions are real and that compulsions should be engaged in.
If you’re feeling confused at this point, that makes sense. OCD is tricky and confusing—which is exactly why OCD is a specialty within the therapy world. Effective OCD treatment requires a deep understanding of how sneaky and convincing OCD can be.
I’ll continue writing about this in my next post to further help you understand the intersection of ROCD and attachment issues. Stay tuned. 💛
Virtual OCD Therapy in Massachusetts and California for Relationship Anxiety & ROCD
If you're noticing patterns of relationship anxiety, obsessive doubt, or attachment-related fears showing up in your dating life, you don't have to sort through it alone. These experiences can feel incredibly confusing, especially when OCD and attachment wounds begin to overlap.
At Jen Lescher LCSW, I offer virtual anxiety and OCD therapy for individuals throughout Massachusetts and California, working with clients who feel stuck in cycles of rumination, reassurance-seeking, and relationship anxiety.
In sessions, the focus isn't on "fixing" you or eliminating OCD (which, as we know, isn't possible). Instead, therapy helps you build the skills to tolerate uncertainty, step out of obsessive loops, and develop a more secure and trusting relationship with yourself and others.
Ready for Support Around Relationship Anxiety or ROCD?
As an OCD therapist, I see how painful and consuming relationship anxiety and ROCD can be. The constant analyzing, second-guessing, and rumination can make it hard to feel present in your relationships - and even harder to trust yourself. These patterns are deeply distressing, but they are also treatable with the right support.
If you're ready to understand what's happening in your mind and begin relating to your thoughts and anxiety differently, here are a few ways to get started:
Explore my blogs, where I share reflections, education, and practical tools related to relationship anxiety, OCD and more.
Start building awareness and understanding. Learning about the overlap between attachment wounds, relationship anxiety, and OCD can be incredibly grounding.
Additional Resources to Support Your Healing Journey
Beyond one-on-one OCD and anxiety therapy, I offer resources that can help you carry progress into your daily life. The Common OCD Themes page provides insight into the intrusive thoughts and behaviors many people face, helping you identify patterns and know you're not alone. The OCD and Social Life page looks at how OCD influences friendships, dating, and relationships, sharing strategies to foster connection and build confidence while managing symptoms.
These resources are meant to complement your therapy, offering education, practical tools, and encouragement so you can continue moving forward between sessions.
About the Author:
I'm a therapist, a devoted coffee lover (truly of one my favorite daily comforts), and someone who really values small moments of presence. That might look like slowing down with mindfulness, getting lost behind my camera, or taking a quiet walk just to notice what's around me. Photography, in particular, helps me stay grounded and curious-two qualities I bring into my work with clients as well.
I've been interested in healing and spirituality since my teenage years and have explored many paths along the way, from meditation to energy-based practices. At the same time, I'm just as likely to be blasting music in the car or deep into a true crime podcast. To me, healing isn't only about stillness or insight-it can also include movement, humor, and moments of joy. Therapy should have space for all of that.
I've worked in a wide range of mental health settings since 2007, and that experience shaped one of my core beliefs: healing is never one-size-fits-all. It's personal. It changes over time. It can feel messy. And it's always possible.
Training & Background
Inference-Based CBT (ICBT) for OCD - The OCD Training School & The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
Certified in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) - The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
Gottman Method Couples Therapy - Level 1
Master's in Social Work - Portland State University, 2012
