Anxious Attachment vs. ROCD: Key Differences, Overlap, and What It Means (Part 2)
In my last post, I began discussing how insecure attachment—like anxious attachment—and Relationship OCD (ROCD) can interact. In this post, I want to answer some common questions about attachment styles and OCD, and clarify where they overlap and where they differ.
Do people with OCD have anxious attachment?
Not necessarily. People with OCD meet criteria for OCD, but that doesn’t mean they automatically have an insecure attachment style. As I mentioned in my last post, many people I work with who have OCD also have secure attachment styles and are in healthy relationships.
I also work with people who have both insecure attachment and OCD, but their attachment style comes from their family and relationship history, not from having OCD itself.
That said, when insecure attachment and OCD—specifically ROCD—show up together, they can interact in ways that reinforce one another.
Let me use a hypothetical example to illustrate how this can happen.
A hypothetical example
Let’s say Julie is struggling with ROCD. She is constantly trying to figure out whether her partner is “the one.” She analyzes everything he does: what he wears, what he eats, what he talks about with friends, the shows he watches—every detail. She finds herself nitpicking constantly and has a hard time relaxing or being present in the relationship. She spends hours on Reddit searching for advice on how to know if “the one is the one.”
Julie also has an anxious attachment style. When her partner occasionally changes plans or doesn’t text her back right away, she becomes extremely anxious and can’t think about anything else. Once he responds, her anxiety drops and the adrenaline comes down.
But then the OCD kicks in.
She starts examining how she feels after the interaction, analyzing the relief, and nitpicking the entire exchange. OCD may then extrapolate from this experience and use it as “proof” that something is wrong or that the relationship isn’t right.
This is complicated, and the truth is that sometimes a relationship really isn’t the best fit. But we want to arrive at that conclusion through self-trust, self-reflection, and direct communication with our partners—not through compulsions and endless rumination.
In fact, I would argue that we cannot come to an authentic conclusion about how we feel about our partner while engaging in obsessions and compulsions. When was the last time you truly figured something out that way? I’d be surprised if you ever have, because when we’re caught in the OCD cycle, we’re usually stuck in fear and not thinking clearly.
What are the symptoms of attachment trauma?
Another way to understand the difference between OCD and anxious attachment is to think of anxious attachment as rooted in attachment trauma.
Anxious attachment develops from past relationships—often with caregivers or partners—who were inconsistent in their care, responsiveness, or emotional attunement. Over time, love starts to feel unpredictable, as if it could disappear at any moment. The biggest fear for someone with anxious attachment is abandonment, though for some this fear may be more unconscious.
Because of this fear, people with anxious attachment often become preoccupied with making sure they are not going to be abandoned or rejected. This can look like:
Being triggered by perceived inconsistency
Being triggered by distance or space
Hypervigilance around a partner’s mood, tone of voice, or behavior
Preoccupation with being chosen (“pick me”)
Difficulty taking care of oneself when activated by the relationship; feeling like being on an emotional rollercoaster
Protest behaviors instead of direct communication (e.g., playing games or trying to get attention rather than asking directly for needs and expressing feelings)
How is this different from ROCD?
Symptoms of anxious attachment can include anxiety and rumination, and may look obsessive, which is why they are often confused with OCD. However, the underlying fears in OCD are different, and therefore, the behaviors associated with ROCD are different as well.
Common ROCD patterns include:
A compulsive need to “figure out” whether the relationship is the right relationship
Asking questions that can’t be answered with absolute certainty, such as:
How do I know I’m attracted to my partner?
How do I know if I have a crush on someone else?
Deep mistrust of self, evidence, and common sense:
Am I lying to my partner?
Am I cheating?
Am I a bad person?
The presence of compulsions, such as:
Endless research
Comparison
Reassurance seeking from loved ones (e.g., asking how to know if a relationship is right)
Intrusive feelings of guilt, fear, and shame—not just anxiety
Avoidance of triggers (which is not necessarily about closeness)
Constant scanning for emotions or attraction toward one’s partner
As you can see, there is overlap between anxious attachment and OCD—both involve anxiety and preoccupation with relationships. But the key difference lies in what someone is preoccupied with and why.
If you see yourself in any of this, therapy can be a helpful place to slow things down and make sense of what’s actually happening—without relying on compulsions or self-doubt.
I’ve shared a link below where you can learn more about attachment styles and take a quiz to find out more about your attachment style.
https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/
Moving Toward Clarity and Self-Trust in Your Relationships
When anxious attachment and OCD overlap, it can become incredibly hard to trust your own thoughts and feelings. You might find yourself constantly analyzing, questioning, or seeking certainty about your relationship. Over time, that mental exhaustion can start to erode your sense of self and make dating or being in a relationship feel more stressful than connecting.
Anxiety and OCD therapy offers a space to slow this process down. Together, we can begin separating what is attachment-based fear, what is OCD, and what is actually happening in your relationship. From there, we can work toward building self-trust, reducing compulsions, and helping you show up in relationships with more steadiness and clarity.
Jen Lescher LCSW offers specialized therapy for anxiety, OCD, and relationship anxiety, including ROCD. I work virtually with clients throughout Massachusetts and California and understand how confusing and distressing these patterns can feel when you're in them. This work is nuanced and deeply personal, and it deserves thoughtful, individualized care.
If You're Noticing Yourself in This, Here Are a Few Gentle Next Steps
These patterns are often complex and deserve tailored support. Therapy can help you understand what's actually happening beneath the anxiety and develop tools that feel grounding rather than overwhelming.
If you're located in Massachusetts or California and are looking for support with OCD or attachment-related concerns, follow the steps below:
Reach out to me here so you can share your story and see if we’re a good fit.
Learn more about attachment styles, anxiety and OCD by exploring my blog posts.
Develop tools for OCD and anxiety that feel grounding rather than overwhelming.
Additional Support for Relationship OCD & Anxiety
Along with one-on-one OCD therapy, I also offer supportive resources that address challenges many clients face outside of sessions. On the Common OCD Themes page, you can explore detailed insights into recurring thoughts and behaviors. The OCD and Social Life page offers guidance for managing friendships, dating, and relationships while living with OCD and anxiety.
About the Author Jen Lescher
I'm a therapist, a devoted coffee lover (truly- it's one of my favorite daily comforts), and someone who really values small moments of presence. That might look like slowing down with mindfulness, getting lost behind my camera, or taking a quiet walk just to notice what's around me. Photography, in particular, helps me stay grounded and curious-two qualities I bring into my work with clients as well.
I've been interested in healing and spirituality since my teenage years and have explored many paths along the way, from meditation to energy-based practices. At the same time, I'm just as likely to be blasting music in the car or deep into a true crime podcast. To me, healing isn't only about stillness or insight-it can also include movement, humor, and moments of joy. Therapy should have space for all of that.
I've worked in a wide range of mental health settings since 2007, and that experience shaped one of my core beliefs: healing is never one-size-fits-all. It's personal. It changes over time. It can feel messy. And it's always possible.
Training & Background
Inference-Based CBT (ICBT) for OCD - The OCD Training School & The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
Certified in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) - The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
Gottman Method Couples Therapy - Level 1
Master's in Social Work - Portland State University, 2012
