What I’ve Learned About Control, Anxiety, & OCD As a Therapist (pt.2)
By Jen Lescher, LCSW/LICSW
In my last post, I discussed how, in my experience, OCD and anxiety therapy requires confronting some universal truths—not just for people with OCD and related anxiety disorders, but for everyone. Specifically, I talked about how life is uncertain and how, to recover from OCD, we have to learn to get comfortable with that truth. In this post, I want to talk about another universal truth.
Let Go of Control
This isn’t a new concept. Many people talk about surrender or letting go of control in spiritual communities and 12-step programs. It’s talked about in the psychology world, too—I think we just use more mainstream or clinical language. Instead of surrender or letting go, therapists often say accept. To me, it’s all the same. Choose the words that resonate with you.
There’s a reason so many different modalities share this idea: it’s a universal truth that accepting what we can’t control leads to more peace. I’m specifically talking about letting go of the urge to control things that are, in reality, uncontrollable—which is a lot of things. This is especially true with OCD. When you’re recovering from OCD, you have to practice this. All. The. Time.
How the Need for Control Fuels the OCD Cycle
What do I mean by that? If you’re suffering from OCD, you’re likely trying to control so much. You’re trying to control outcomes to make sure your fear doesn’t come true. You’re trying to control what you think about—or don’t think about. You’re trying to control how you feel, especially trying not to feel anxious, disgusted, or guilty.
There are endless attempts at control in OCD—and the hard truth is that it’s all futile. That’s the trick of OCD. You try to control things you can’t to keep yourself safe, but there is no certainty. So much is out of your control that you can never fully succeed, yet you keep trying. That’s the OCD cycle.
What Letting Go of Control Looks Like in OCD Therapy
In OCD therapy, we have to learn to give up control and accept that the things we’re trying to control are, well, out of our control. They always were, and they always will be. When you stop trying to control these things and instead allow healthy (or unavoidable) risk, difficult emotions, and intrusive thoughts to exist without trying to change, suppress, or neutralize them, you’re on your way to more peace.
What Does This Look Like?
Let’s use a hypothetical example. Say Bella is struggling with moral OCD. She’s obsessed with making sure she’s a good person—that she’s always honest, that she isn’t hurting anyone, including hurting other people’s feelings. This has made work extremely difficult for her because she’s constantly second-guessing herself.
Was she rude to a coworker?
Did she explain everything with complete accuracy to her boss—and if she didn’t, does that mean she lied?
Should she confess to her boss?
Maybe she should report herself to HR?
Was the joke she made at the holiday party inappropriate? Did she make someone deeply uncomfortable?
When it comes to OCD, we can usually bet that Bella is honest, kind, and not making inappropriate remarks at work. She’s not perfect—she has awkward moments, because that’s part of being human—but is she harmful? Probably not.
How do I know? Because OCD latches onto what we care about most. The fact that these fears exist tells me that being kind, honest, and making others feel comfortable is deeply important to Bella. People who don’t care about these things usually aren’t obsessing over them.
What we can see clearly, though, is how much Bella is trying to control. She’s trying to control what others think of her. She’s trying to control how others feel. She’s hypervigilant about everything she says or doesn’t say to avoid making a mistake or being dishonest.
And the truth? All of this is out of her control.
Why You Can’t Control Other People’s Thoughts, Feelings, or Reactions
We can’t control what other people think or feel about us. We could be the kindest person in the world, and it would still be out of our control. We could be the most careful, detail-oriented person alive, and we would still eventually make a mistake, miscommunicate, forget something, or say something inaccurately.
Anxiety, Uncertainty, and Being Human
Does that mean you’re a bad person? Probably not (yes, I’m saying probably on purpose—if you read my last post, remember that everything is uncertain). It means you’re human. You can’t control everything. You will make mistakes.
Bella also can’t control how she feels. She confesses, ruminates, and checks because she’s trying to make her anxiety go away. But here’s the thing: that’s out of her control. Yes, she can make her anxiety worse—and in the long run, these compulsions do exactly that—but she can’t control when anxiety shows up or when it leaves.
Learning to Accept Anxiety Instead of Fighting It
Trying to control these things only fuels the anxiety. Instead, if Bella can learn to accept her emotions—including anxiety—without judgment and without trying to make them disappear, she will eventually feel less anxious.
This is the work we do in OCD counseling: learning to let go of control. It’s hard work. But trying to control everything is so much harder—because you can’t.
What Working With an OCD Therapist Can Look Like
Working with an OCD therapist means stepping into an environment where your experience is taken seriously and treated with respect. At Jen Lescher LCSW, I work collaboratively with each client, drawing from approaches like ICBT and ERP while also honoring the personal, subjective nature of your experience. If you’re curious about exploring OCD therapy in Boston, MA or Los Angeles, CA, you’re invited to reach out and start a conversation.
In my next post, I’ll talk about another universal truth we confront in OCD therapy. Stay tuned.
Ready to Take the Next Step Toward OCD Support?
If any part of this post resonated with you—especially the struggle with control, uncertainty, or feeling stuck in the same anxiety patterns—it may be a sign that it’s time to explore getting support. Working with an OCD therapist can offer clarity, structure, and relief—especially when anxiety or intrusive thoughts have started to take up more space in your life than you want them to.
Explore my blog posts for insights into OCD, rumination and more.
Begin practicing a different relationship with control.
Additional Support for OCD & Anxiety
Along with one-on-one OCD therapy, I also offer supportive resources that address challenges many clients face outside of sessions. On the Common OCD Themes page, you can explore detailed insights into recurring thoughts and behaviors. The OCD and Social Life page offers guidance for managing friendships, dating, and relationships while living with OCD and anxiety. These resources are designed to complement therapy by providing practical tools and new perspectives, extending your growth and healing beyond the therapy room.
About the Author Jen Lescher
I’m a therapist, a devoted coffee lover (truly— it's one of my favorite daily comforts), and someone who really values small moments of presence. That might look like slowing down with mindfulness, getting lost behind my camera, or taking a quiet walk just to notice what’s around me. Photography, in particular, helps me stay grounded and curious—two qualities I bring into my work with clients as well.
I’ve been interested in healing and spirituality since my teenage years and have explored many paths along the way, from meditation to energy-based practices. At the same time, I’m just as likely to be blasting music in the car or deep into a true crime podcast. To me, healing isn’t only about stillness or insight—it can also include movement, humor, and moments of joy. Therapy should have space for all of that.
I’ve worked in a wide range of mental health settings since 2007, and that experience shaped one of my core beliefs: healing is never one-size-fits-all. It’s personal. It changes over time. It can feel messy. And it’s always possible.
Training & Background
Inference-Based CBT (ICBT) for OCD – The OCD Training School & The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
Certified in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) – The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
Gottman Method Couples Therapy – Level 1
Master’s in Social Work – Portland State University, 2012
